A Reflection of Me

Baby wearing

2011-06-27T14:21:00.001-07:00

In Praise of Anarchy- The Australian Floods and Hurricane

2011-02-15T10:46:00.000-08:00

Low Carb Chocolate Coconut Cheesecake

2010-11-19T23:23:00.000-08:00

This is an adaptation of Dana Carpender's Chocolate Cheesecake from 500 Low Carb recipes, I had to change it because I had a terrible allergic reaction to the Splenda (sucralose) in it. I got an itchy acne-like rash that covered my face, neck, legs and arms and was absolutely shocked to find I was one of many thousands and thousands of people who have had similar symptoms after eating sucralose, many people suffering side effects far worse than I. I have no idea how that company gets away with advertising its product as having 'no known side-effects.' I think it will quickly go out of fashion though as I am beginning to wander who doesn't suffer some terrible side effect of sucralose? More and more people are making the link between adding sucralose to their diets and their sudden rashes and other various symptoms and deciding to either reduce the quantities that they eat it in or cut it all together.

I chose cream cheese over Dana's cottage cheese because for some reason in Australian supermarkets the only option is seriously reduced fat cottage cheese aka fairly tasteless cottage cheese.

My adaptation of this cake contains a very small amount of sucralose that should not be harmful, but if small amounts are still harmful to you obviously I don't recommend cooking this cake! I have instead used Stevia for the main sweetening of the cake.

Almond Crust Base:

150g Almond Meal

1/4 cup Vanilla Whey Protein Milk shake Powder (this is the product that contains some sucralose, I am not sure but maybe pure vanilla whey protein won't contain any, I just went for the cheaper option)

Fine Dessicated Coconut (read instructions for detail)

4-5 tbsp Butter melted

Cheesecake:

500g Cream Cheese (full fat)

150 ml Sour Cream

50-55g Sugar Free Dark Chocolate melted (sweetened with Stevia, try finding 'Well, Naturally' bars in your local supermarket, they are 45g a bar, buy 2 and eat most of one for yourself lol)

2 Eggs

Fine Dessicated Coconut

1/3 cup Hermesetas Granulated Stevia

Serve with:

Whipped Cream

1) Turn oven to 180C, spray a spring-foam pan with non-stick cooking spray, combine almond meal, melted butter, and whey protein-shake, mix well, sprinkle a thin layer of coconut over the mixture and mix again, add a little water or a little butter if the mixture is very dry and not holding together. It should be a medium-fine texture and if you press it down with your mixing spoon it should 'stick.'

2) Place the mixture in the spring-foam pan and press down until it covers the entire base of the pan. Sprinkle another thin layer of coconut, place in the oven for 12-15 mins.

3) Meanwhile, mix the eggs, cream cheese and sour cream, place it over boiling hot water to help melt the cheese a little (I usually boil the kettle, pour the water in the sink and place the mixing bowl in there and that makes everything melt pretty quickly). Melt the chocolate on the stove and add it to the mixture, stir well, be quick since it is not cooking chocolate if it begins to cool and harden it may be a problem, add the Stevia, use a blender to really mix it all together, you should notice the mixture going from very dark brown with white blotches to a creamier brown colour as the dark chocolate blends with the creams. Again, sprinkle a coconut layer over the mixture and mix it in.

4) When the crust has been cooked, pour the mixture onto it, sprinkle a thin layer of coconut over the top and place it in the oven for 45 mins between 170C-180C.

Preparation time: 15-20 mins

Cooking time: 1 hour

The most expensive ingredient is the whey protein shake but thankfully you can get a fair amount of use out of it! This cake is pretty easy to make too. The cake is pretty high in protein, saturated fats and quite low in carbs, I consider it quite nutritious since it makes use of nuts and dark chocolate over a biscuit base and sweetened milk chocolate. Enjoy!

Parents "Do their best." Really?

2010-09-03T05:03:00.000-07:00

One thing I often hear from people who side with abusive parents and not the victimised child is that all parents are just "Doing their best." I want to explain why this is not so!

Usually, the parents that these sorts of people are defending are the ones who spank their children, scream at them, ignore them and many other forms of abuses.

Why is it that everyone has sympathy for the parents, and not the distressed, internally isolated, enraged and very sad child? I think the short answer to that is that we are split off from our pain. Many people will even laugh as they recall childhood beatings and other abuses. But parents are never short of complaining about the hardships of being a parent and receiving sympathy for this, it is entirely convenient for parents if they can force their child to remove from his awareness all the pain they have caused him. Common things you might hear are "You kids are such hard work!" "I'm just at the end of my tether!" or "I'm just so tired after looking after you lot all the time!"

All of these things and I'm sure the list is endless are geared toward making the child feel sympathy for the parent, and guilt even about his own existence, so much so that eventually we begin to parrot our parents self-pitying lies. You may have found yourself saying "I drove my mother to insanity, that's why she hit me." Or "I deserved my punishment that time." In fact, your parents have probably done such a good job of making you forget completely about your misery, making you sympathise with their chosen hardships of parenting and making you feel guilty for the mere fact that you were a child with hundreds of needs that must be met, that you even feel sorry for them when you think of how you supposedly 'drove,' them to beating you.

"My poor mother, she was only ever doing her best, she must have been really stressed and pushed to the limits when she screamed at me."

I think fundamentally these sorts of statements are people just lying to themselves. We are so desperate for parental love and affection, a need that was not met as a child so it carries over into adulthood, that even in our memories of parents acting like complete brutes, we desire so strongly to still see them as loving and caring and try to convince ourselves such is the case contrary to all the evidence at the time. I don't believe that parents who resort to any kind of violence or aggression, be it verbal, physical or emotional or just plain ignoring the child and withdrawal of all affection, are really doing their best job at parenting.

In reality, this sort of 'parenting,' if this behavior can even be called parenting, is an extremely lazy form of parenting, it involves no hard work at all. It really takes no effort whatsoever for a parent to just slap a child across the face, on the hand, on the butt or any other body part, this child after all is tiny and has absolutely no chance of self defense, no chance to complain, no one to go to for safety, he can't sue his parents for physical abuse, there are absolutely no repercussions whatsoever for a parent when they physically abuse a child (which is what makes this abuse such a sick and cowardly act).

Similarly, it takes no effort for a parent to scream at a child until he is frightened out of his skin, sitting, shaking and in tears. The marks of this abuse are purely internal, the bruising and the pain left from this sort of abuse are invisible to the rest of the world, so it is a terribly isolating form of abuse, further, he is left unable to verbalise to anyone what it is he is really going through, even as adults, victims of this sort of abuse still struggle to communicate to others quite how terrifying it is. No one is really doing their best job at parenting when they resort to screaming and shouting.

The same happens when a parent decides to withdraw all affection, one thing you might have been a victim of is a parent saying "right, that's it, I'm not talking to you anymore!" Or maybe a parent who actually decides to stop any form of communication with you for days. This is an absolutely horrific form of abuse for any child, if there is one thing that children really thirst for and thrive from it is connection to their care givers. Children long to be and have every right to be connected all of the time to a stable, unconditionally loving and nurturing care giver. When a parent commits this crime they must surely realise the horror they are forcing their child to endure. It is an evil act because children are absolutely dependent on parents in a way no other relationship that exists could possibly compare to.

All of these things and many more are lazy parenting examples to the highest degree because they really involve no effort, no prior thought or hard work. They are just quick handed ways to get a child to comply with what the parent desires, these actions are done with absolutely no consideration to the child's' needs, they are purely about what the parent desires in the moment. And some might say "But parents hit children because they think it will help them!" I have come to realise that such parents have come to very much a false conclusion about what their child needs, no one in their right minds thinks that any human being, particularly a child, needs to be violated against because it is good for them.

So what does constitute a parent who is trying their hardest? Well, a parent who spends massive amounts of time before even having children learning about conflict resolution, child rearing with out violence or aggression, child rearing with out punishments, and above and beyond all that, the individual must be connected to themselves, they must have explored all of the areas in which they were harmed as children so they have full empathy for what it is like to be a child and covered all the potential areas in which they may re-inflict abuse because of past trauma. When a person becomes a parent, they don't resort to quick ways of getting the child to comply with their orders and desires, instead they spend massive amounts of time connecting with their child, they always have the child's needs in mind and if the child displays sadness and rage, they spend time with their child finding out what the matter is and how it can be resolved, even if it involves a re-evaluation of their parenting methods.

The above is just a short list of the many things a person can do to ensure parenting of the highest standard. For a more comprehensive list I suggest doing as many of the following things possible (taken from Mackler's website- www.iraresoul.com)

The Baby's Manifesto- what a child really needs
The Baby's Manifesto by Daniel Mackler

A License to Procreate is another excellent source of ideas for many of the things people can do in preparation for a child
A License to Procreate

If the standards sound ridiculously high to you and even trigger some anxiety in you, well that's great, you're getting the picture that it's entirely inappropriate for you to have a child if you have not done these things or at least not the majority of these things, and if you do have a child already, you are hopefully realising that you really are not doing your best when you are aggressive towards your offspring in anyway, and you need to raise your standard much higher.

Remember also, that you cannot defend abusive parenting by claiming you did not know any better, or that your parents did not know any better. As a parent abuses a child, and sees in his eyes the terror, rage, sadness and sheer isolation, this is the first sign that you are doing something totally immoral, if you fail to act on the reality of how you are making your child feel and the damage you are causing them, and the pain you are causing them is visible to you (which it undoubtedly is) there is no excuse for you. If only you seek to find better ways you surely will, because they do exist. No one else is responsible for your lack of knowledge but yourself.

Forgiveness

2010-08-27T05:25:00.000-07:00

Forgiveness has become a quick and easy thing for many people, but at what costs?

I have always thought of forgiveness in a religious sense since I was brought up by a Catholic mother and an atheist father who did nothing to intervene. I was taught that anyone and everyone should be forgiven, that it was a wise and virtuous thing to, after all, Jesus forgave everyone who ever hurt him, right?

Since deciding to stop contacting my parents, I've been aware of the current notion in popular Psychology that deciding to stop contacting them and not forgiving them for any of the evils committed against me and my siblings in the most vulnerable years of our lives is an unhealthy thing to do. Forgiveness is sort of seen as something someone can just snap their fingers over and all the anger, sadness and pain they feel about their abuse will just disappear.

I want to address here why this is not the case, why forgiveness is not a case of the three magic words being spoken and suddenly everything being fine and dandy. Since finding Daniel Mackler's videos on youtube I've seen forgiveness in an entirely different light, one that I think is important to share.

When watching him he talks about forgiveness and forgiving, at first I felt anxiety when he said that "forgiveness comes with working through all the pain," I experienced this anxiety because implicit in his statement I thought he was also saying "after working through all your pain you will again have a relationship with the people who abused you." On thinking about it though I realised that he was not saying anything of such, and was not preaching forgiveness in a way I had so often heard.

Mackler, I have come to realise, is quite correct. People say that if you forgive then you will let go of all your anger and misery towards your abusers, what these people who take this route are really doing is totally shutting off a whole chunk of themselves, they are not resolving their pain, anger and sadness, but instead burying it, where it goes out of awareness and goes beyond the control of the victim, resulting in re-infliction of this trauma on innocent victims. It is important to remember that like any other feelings, feelings resulting from abuse do not simply vanish when one decides to ignore them.

In saying "I forgive you," before we have really dedicated ourselves to working through the pain we have hidden for so long since our childhoods, we are doing what Mackler refers to as forgiving 'prematurely.' It is akin to an obese man who smokes and drinks and never exercising standing in the mirror and saying "I am healthy." As long as your pain and misery remains unresolved and buried, it still exists, and until it is gone you cannot even begin to forgive maturely and genuinely. Unfortunately, this pain does not disappear by willing it away.

Though our abusers may wish that we could forgive them immediately, the reality is that trauma inflicted on us in childhood will take years and years to resolve, and even after resolving it, it's no guarantee that you will wake up one morning and think "wouldn't it be great to go and speak to Mum and Dad again?" If anything, you are more likely to want to go on with your life seeing that there is no need to go back to these relationships once you have resolved all of your pain and anger.

Forgiveness quite rightly involves not having pent up rage towards your abusers, and it also means that you aren't required to have a relationship with them in order for you to have forgiven. I have come to see forgiveness as a change of mental and emotional state that happens inside the victim, it is not an action or spoken words, even if the abusers attempt to 'earn' the forgiveness of their victims, it cannot be done until the victim has resolved all of his or her pain.

For far too long abusers of any extremity have been able to get away with beating, hitting, slapping, screaming at, withdrawing affection from, shaking, shoving, ignoring, and manipulating their children, the current view of forgiveness only helps abusers let their actions get away with out consequences. Because childhood pain is by far the most intense of all internal pain we will ever experience in our lives, it is a lovely fantasy we have created to imagine that we can simply get rid of it by forgiving prematurely.

This view very much needs to change if we are not to re-inflict these traumas on our own children or any others who happen to come into our paths.

Daniel Mackler on Youtube

2010-08-19T21:10:00.000-07:00

I think it is sad that not more people have seen these videos, but at the same time not surprising. Mackler is an incredible person to listen to, his siding with the abused child and empathy for adults in pain (which is by far nearly all of us) is simply contageous, listening to him talk it is impossible for me not to feel sadness for my own history and the histories of many others, and the pain we feel in the present.

In the hope of giving Mackler more exposure I would like to repost some of the Youtube videos on this site. They are short videos, to the point, well created with peaceful images and music that help go with the message Mackler is conveying.

Witnessing Child Abuse: A self-examination of the thoughts and feelings

2010-08-15T11:21:00.000-07:00

I was walking down the street just this afternoon today, I passed a woman with a child who couldn't have been younger than 8. I did not hear the entire conversation, just her mother saying "Right that's it I am not going to talk to you anymore." A spark of anger lit up within me the moment the mother said this, I thought "what a disgusting way to speak to your daughter." My anger increased and sadness grew in me when the child immediately began to cry, she was obviously very hurt by what her mother had said to her. I felt so sorry for her. Then the mother begins to chastise her for crying "Don't you start doing this now!" But the girl continues to weep and bawl. My anger and sadness increase hearing the mother say this, I thought "what a despicable human being for actively ignoring and putting down her child's emotions like this." Then the mother says "You're going to get a smack if you don't stop." My anger really rises hearing this, the mother begins a countdown "3, 2. . ." But I turn immediately and tell her "Oi, there's no need to threaten her with violence." Before I could even finish my sentence this woman was shaking her head at me, shaking her hands, she didn't want to know.

It was at this point that I just felt so horrified, at this point where this woman was shaking her head at me triggered a flash back to my own childhood, of my pain and my suffering that was inflicted on me being ignored and minimised, yet being in so much need of being heard. This is my instinct about the matter because it seems to have been the most shocking, 'traumatic' part if you will of the whole event for me. All of my emotions around this event are so intense, it is hard to pick out what is traces of my own traumatic childhood and what is out of sympathy for this child and anger towards this woman. It was tragic to watch her walking away. I felt an intense desperation, but desperate for what I am not sure, desperate to be heard seems to be the only answer, "what can I do? How can I help? How can I make this vile b*tch listen to me?" I thought to myself in anger.

I felt even more anger when I realised that this woman could predict what it was I was going to say, as she began shaking her head at me before I could even finish my sentence, she knows she is evil but wants to ignore this fact. It is so enraging because if she knows she is evil but still continues to treat her child in such a disgraceful manner it only makes her all the more despicable.

I was at such a loss.

An examination of this is important to me because I believe that my own childhood trauma was brought to surface from the moment I heard this woman telling her daughter she was not worthy of being spoken to, to the moment she told her daughter she was worthy of physical cruelty and to the moment in particular where she disregarded my words as unimportant.

It is liberating to understand that some, if not many, of my intense feelings around this event have their roots in my own history. What I think I find hardest to accept is that this child is in a prison, alone, frightened, sad and most likely full of despair, but I cannot do anything about it, and no one else is going to do anything about it. It is an important reminder of the sympathy I need for myself; in the same way this child has no one, I too was very alone, frightened and full of despair as I grew up.

Sometimes I wonder, if I were fully healed, would I have the desire to confront these evil people in the first place? Are they really going to change? Is one person speaking out really going to help this child in and among all the years of torment and abuse they are suffering? On top of the fact that I think it is rare that the child actually hears me say anything to the parent. Perhaps I am just reliving the abuse I suffered by attempting to be heard by all these abusive people that really just don't want to listen, in the same way no one wanted to listen to me when I was growing up.

Maybe the anger I have towards my own parents and the sadness I have for my inner child is simply projected onto these situations, and I'm not spending enough time really placing the sadness and anger where it belongs. . . In my own life, a large part of me certainly thinks that this may be what is happening. Though whether or not this means it would be a good idea for me to stop speaking out at this stage I do not know.

Why Scientific Thinking Is Hard

2010-08-01T07:01:00.000-07:00

I was inspired to write this blog post after looking at the lecture slides for a lecture in my psychology course at uni.

So thanks goes to the lecturer! I think these are important things to understand when it comes to the pitfalls everyone experiences a lot more than we'd like to think. Gotta know what we're getting wrong before we can sort it out I guess. . .

The Hindsight Bias

A tendency to believe that when an outcome occurs we "knew-all-along," that it was going to happen, that we would have foreseen it
The "I-Knew-It-All-Along," phenomenon

Overconfidence

Thinking that we know more than we actually do

Over-generalisation/Illusory Correlation

Seeing one particular instance as much more likely to occur than it actually is

Self-Fulfilling Prophecies

We always try to confirm our own beliefs instead of disprove them (typical of men and women making claims about the other- "All men are smart arses!" "All women are so demanding!" and so seeking out such individuals to fulfill the claims)

False Consensus Effect

Tendency to overestimate the extent to which others share our beliefs and behaviors (perhaps you can think of one of those people who whinges all the time at you about lots of little things you just don't care about but they seem to think you're just as bothered? Or maybe a bad therapist who projects his own experiences onto you?)

Availablitiy Heuristic

More vivid and easily recalled examples bias us to believe these instances are more likely to occur- a mental shortcut (i.e. lazy thinking- not necessarily a bad thing) in which judgments are based on information most easily brought to mind (ever avoided going in the sea out of fear of a shark attack after reading that upsetting news article one time yet made it to the beach by crossing roads and being driven in a car? Despite shark attacks tending to be very rare and road accidents being much more common)

Post Hoc Fallacy

Believing that if one event precedes the other it is causally related- (Post hoc ergo propter hoc- after this therefore because of this) Ah, I'm sure we can all think of some media hype correlating certain events and then frightening everyone into thinking one is causing the other

Scientific thinking is hard because it does not often come to us naturally (and is very likely much worse an issue if you were raised with irrationality) and we often get by quite comfortably with out really having to think about anything!

Teenage son or daughter glued to a computer screen?

2010-07-10T13:33:00.001-07:00

If you have a son or daughter who is constantly surfing the net, and shows greater preference for this over familial activities, please don't chastise them about it. . . The chances are that they are feeling stressed and aren't finding family company particularly thrilling (you won't make it any more enjoyable either by whinging at them for being lazy, unsociable and selfish etc).

Try instead listening to what your teenage child has to say about how they feel about your relationship with them, what's happening for them and why they prefer the computer to human interaction.

By chastising them for spending so much time on the internet, claiming they are lazy and other such things, you are only demonstrating to them the same thing you are accusing them of. You're being lazy by just passively putting them down instead of actively attempting to find out what is wrong (in other words, you want a quick 'fix,' to the problem), you're being selfish by demanding that your teenage child does as you want them to do and not compromising with their desires and demanding that they care about how you feel while not caring about how they feel.

Read the following study for more information on stress, the family and internet addiction.

http://www.psypost.org/2010/04/stress-family-internet-addiction-596

God- The imaginary friend for adults?

2009-11-29T21:31:00.000-08:00

I've been having some thoughts going round my mind recently about children having imaginary friends. When a child creates an imaginary friend, that they take everywhere with them, play with them regularly and imagine their company when they are lonely, adults will say "it's a phase, he will grow out of it soon." Or to people outside of the situation who ask a caregiver who the child was referring to when he mentioned the name of his imaginary friend parents will of course say "Oh he doesn't really exist its just his imaginary friend."

But what happens when an adult says they have this supposed thing in their lives called God, who is there all the time to watch over them, be their friend, love them eternally and unconditionally, and who they go to when they are lonely? We say that it's a religious perspective, it mustn't be questioned, not that they never grew out of their phase during childhood in which they had imaginary friends or that soon they will just realise God doesn't exist. In fact, many people will wholeheartedly agree with them that this supposed being exists. It's quite a different reaction in comparison to when a child says he is playing with his 'friend.'

In the same way that it is theorised that children who have imaginary friends are lacking something fundamental in their lives, whether its companionship, friendship, general company, a playmate, attentive and loving parents, or someone to turn to when they are sad and feel as though no one in the world understands them, I think the same thing about adults who believe in God, Jesus, Angels, and other various spirits that people often claim exist.

As an atheist who was once someone that strongly believed in a wide variety of spirits, Gods, angels etc I can firmly say that this was my experience. I lacked really deep connection with myself and others around me. It was my way of getting by at the time and remaining happy, to feel that there was something there watching over me, that even if it was in some other dimension I always had a friend I could rely on for help and support. The thought of there being no after-life brought me a horrifying feeling, but of course this makes sense, life lacked so much joy, connection, intimacy and rich life experiences that to imagine my life would end and then there would be nothing made me panic. The thought of dying with out having really lived was painful, and I liked to imagine that I would find all my peace, joy, and freedom after I had died in the after-world. It was an easy and comfortable illusion, all one has to do is die and then we find peace, it involves no real work in reality.

Since becoming more deeply connected with myself, my partner, and rejecting people from my life with whom I cannot have such great relationships, the desire to see Gods, angels and other various spirits in the skies or pretend they are all around me has totally vanished. Why would I need to imagine the love, friendship, advice, care and concern those imaginary beings gave me when I have them as something tangible and real in my life?

'Talking' to Gods and Spirits and Their Place in the Me-Cosystem

If there is one major thing I learned about myself after this experience of requiring many imaginary friends in the form of Gods and Spirits then it was that when I thought I was communicating to things in another dimension I was actually communicating with the many different aspects of myself. For example, I used to pretend that there was a God of anger, or a goddess of sadness, I would prescribe different emotions, feelings and situations a different God or a spirit which I would imagine going to for help during difficult times. Well, since of course these beings did not actually exist in reality and were not communicating to me through me doing some special prayer or chant, any advice, joy, happiness, peace of mind and clarity which I gained from these imaginary beings were actually coming from me. This was an empowering realisation to know that it was me who was guiding myself, that it was me with the wisdom I needed to make my way through this life, and not something from an external source.

In the same way that we can assume a child with imaginary friends lacks something from their lives and that it is just a passing phase, I encourage any religious person to ask themselves what they gain from belief in a God that they lack in reality either in the past or in the present, and what role this supposed being plays in their Me-Cosystem? Especially when one considers that George Bush for example claims God told him to go to war in iraq, but others claim God tells them to always love and never harm, God is simply just an imaginary and all powerful being used to represent different parts of the personality in different people in these cases.

Aussie Aussie Aussie!!!!!!! (I'm allowed to stay)

2009-11-12T06:28:00.000-08:00

So, I thought it's about time I wrote a celebratory post to say that my application for a partner visa to stay in Australia with my Australian partner was successful, and my permanent residency is under process at the moment!

What a great relief!

Here is a funny oldie to celebrate lol!

Helping a Homeless Child- There's only so much you can do. . .

2009-10-21T22:21:00.001-07:00

A few weeks a go as I left work in the afternoon, sitting across the road was a scruffy young man with a sign in front of him reading "I'm 15 years old and homeless, any change will help. Thax." I walked by but uncomfortably so, I wanted desperately to help him, he is still only a child after all. There was nothing I could give him at the time, nor any advice I knew of that would be helpful for him.

Naturally I told my partner about what happened, saddened by what I had told him he advised me that buying the boy some food might be the best idea as opposed to giving him money (I don't know statistics, but it is rumored that often homeless people will spend the money on drugs and alcohol - obviously not what we want for a teenager).

I didn't see him again for a few weeks until today I was on my way home and looking forward to a couple of hours of sleep before my next shift tonight, but found myself instead walking as quickly as possible to the nearest shops to see if I could find him a healthy sandwich, a drink, maybe some fruit and a couple of treats. Rushing back I went and stood next to him, a little nervous, with a story someone once told me going through my mind about how one day a homeless person shouted at him because the man offered him food and not money, I asked him if he wanted some food and he just lifted his head and said "cheers," while taking the food from me, he looked exhausted and drained, as one might expect.

I find it sad to see how for so long he sits and every now and then someone might give him a glance but other than that almost everyone just walks on by, I wanted my action to show him that there are people out there who care for his safety and his well-being, because I can only imagine that having nowhere to go, no one to go home to, and no one showing any care, would be a most saddening and scary situation to be in. I hope that my actions brought him some joy even if only for a few seconds.

Walking away I felt sad, because I wish there was so much more I could do than just give food. It's a good meal for sure, but it's no safety from Perth's dangerous streets, nor an opportunity for a future. But the act of kindness I had carried out did bring me a lot of joy. I plan on looking up about homeless shelters in and around Perth and give him the information, and probably some more lunch next time I see him.

Your input and thoughts are welcomed! :D

Can being a speaking witness for an abused child cause more damage than good?

2009-10-19T22:36:00.000-07:00

This is the first post I have made in a while, but I'm itching to write my thoughts on this one.

For a long time I've been passionate about the idea of speaking out in defense for a child who we see being abused, that is to say being threatened with violence ( e.g. "you'll get a slap if you carry on!"), a child being verbally abused, or actually being physically abused (e.g. seeing a care giver, usually the mother, slapping or spanking the child). My reason for this is that through Stefan Molyneux's work and Alice Miller's work, I came to believe that speaking out for an abused child is pivotal, not because it will change the parent (it probably won't) but because the child will experience someone showing him/her sympathy and empathy, when he is otherwise very much alone in his suffering.

It is believed that if the abused child receives this much needed sympathy, and can see so to speak, that good people do not fall under bad people, and that there are indeed good people in the world, then the child has a much stronger chance of growing up, able to process the pain he experienced as a child, instead of it becoming disconnected from its original source and coming out in the form of either abuse towards the self (drugs, self harm, eating disorders, suicide to name a few) or abuse towards others (most often in the form of verbally or physically abusing one's own child).

In a conversation I recently had with Stefan Molyneux about a significant issue I have been facing (which I gave him permission to release in the Donator Sections of the forums), I asked him what he believed would happen to a child if instead of repressing the pain they feel and idolising their abuser (e.g. "my father did the right thing when he beat me" "my parents beat me because they loved me and wanted the best for me") they actually felt the full force of the pain and the sadness they are holding inside them, and realised that they are trapped with this so called care giver for years to come, with no escape, and he replied that he thought the child would most likely fall into a serious depression or even develop suicidal feelings (hence the term "we had to disconnect from the pain in order to survive.")

So, if we as the moralists we are, try empathising with the abused child, do we run the risk of waking the child up to this pain and sadness? (Seeing as it is necessary for the child's survival)

Or on the other hand, do we run the risk of the child further idolising the abuser, because along with their own first hand experience, someone else has confirmed that the parent is evil, and so it becomes more important for the child to make stronger the belief that the parent is really a nice, kind, loving and caring person? An example comes to mind of someone I met who seemed to proudly boast about how her mother pulled down her trousers and spanked her publicly, and crowds of people expressed their horror at what they saw, to this day this person believes that what her mother did was good, and necessary, and repeatedly commented on how bad she thought it was of people to try and intervene with what her mother was doing. It seems to me that in this case the speaking witnesses in defense of the child only served to reinforce the idolisation of the abuser. Unfortunately this woman also claimed she would hit her own child, and allow others to hit her child when under the care of someone else. It was heart breaking to hear.

It is difficult for me to look back to my own childhood and ask myself if a speaking witness in my defense would have brought great relief or intense despair.

Your thoughts and insights would be greatly appreciated, and I might post this question on the FDR forums too.

And I also encourage you to listen to this spectacular talk between Stefan Molyneux- host of Freedomainradio.com and Jordan Riak- Executive Director, Parents and Teachers Against Violence in Education on the Case Against Spanking. (www.nospank.net)

Baby Magpies and White Clouds

2009-08-17T03:23:00.001-07:00

Black Swans and Grey Skies

2009-08-09T02:52:00.001-07:00

I went for a supposed short stroll down to the river only to end up on a 2 hour walk, I was grateful to find these swans on my way, the top picture is my favorite, I didn't know until I was up close that the eyes were as red as the beaks. I have a panorama of Perth city 5 photos stitched together but I thought a small would be nice, it's just 2 photos stitched together, it was the little colorful boat that caught my eye and I was lucky to get the flying seagulls.

A Sunset From The Balcony

2009-07-29T04:09:00.001-07:00

Here is a sunset I caught from the balcony, lol excusing the telephone pole, it is not meant to be the centre piece of the photo.

A Day Among the Flowers

2009-07-25T02:47:00.001-07:00

All taken at Kings Park, Perth, if you click on the photos they are all big enough to be wall paper backgrounds, which I really enjoy because I like having images of natural things as my background! Particularly if they are photos I have taken myself :)

A Place I Will See Again

2009-07-12T07:56:00.001-07:00

The Malverns

General Views Around Perth

2009-06-21T00:53:00.000-07:00

An Update On My Life :)

2009-06-16T05:08:00.000-07:00

I had another experience the other day of standing up for a child being abused. I was walking down the bus station when a mother really smacked her child with such a wallop I could hear it a good few metres away. I wasn't prepared to bite my tongue and just watch it happen, so I went to her and said "excuse me, hitting your kids is wrong." It was all I could get out, I said it calmly if not a little nervously. The smartest thing she could come back at me with was "mind your own business, Princess."

I had begun walking away before she could say it all to my face. Needless to say, it's one of those stomach turning moments that leaves you shaken.

I have since boiled over it and thought of a million things I could have said.

Hitting children or threatening them with violence simply enrages me.

If a man hit his wife because he thought she deserved it would a mother who hits her children think that is OK? No, of course not, the wife would likely end up getting a divorce and seek help from domestic violence charities, or turn to some other feminist organisation. . . If she stays with him, she does so by her own choice. The implication being that she believes it is wrong for people who are bigger and stronger than her (or anyone for that matter) to hit her but she still inflicts it on her own children (who are seriously smaller and weaker than a mother in comparison to a woman and a man)

Would a woman who hit her sons and daughters continue to do so as they reached adolesence and became physically fitter and stronger than them? No, of course not, because they know they're adult children can defend themselves. Child abusers are cowards.

Would an elderly parent who is forgetful and decrepped, say its OK for their carers, most likely their children who they once hit and abused, to hit and scream at them when they get things wrong, make mistakes and return back to an almost child-like state in which they are dependant and vulnerable? No, of course not, parents inflict such propoganda that they raise their children to believe that it was OK for them to hit and bully their children, that they must respect their elders and other such nonsense.

Hitting a child, verbally abusing a child, and emotionally abusing a child is a sick, vile, evil and cowardly act. This is why I have no tolerance for people who continue to treat their children in this way.

On a lighter note, I am very happy to be telling you that I finally found a stable job I really enjoy. I have been with the company for just under one week now, I have worked with one girl whose generosity and kindness in helping me learn the role has been brilliant, the manager is very friendly and I've finally been trained on how to make really nice coffees! Everything about the place seems very glitzy, we're the top floor of a large building so we have beautiful views over Perth, Kings Park and Swan River. The job role is similar to my one at the hotel, where I previously worked, being a food and beverage attendant for functions, events and conferences.

I quit my job at the Jamaice Blue Cafe after having some bad experiences with the management there. I was told I would have 30 hours of work each week, only this never happened, for a couple of weeks I had no hours of work, and others only 10 or so, I was also told my wage would be $2.05 higher than it actually was. . . Upon raising these issues with my manager he simply told me that the part time basis on which I was employed could mean hours anywhere from between 2 and 37.5, but failed to give any explanation as to why I was told I would get 30 but for half the time I was working there had no hours whatsoever (not even 2!)

Then the company I had had an interview for a few weeks back, the one I'm working for now, rang me to say they never got back to me about the job because their offices in sydney had had a set back and so they couldn't employ anyone. The manager asked me if I would like to fill the position held by a girl who is soon to be leaving, saying they needed to train someone with in 4 weeks because then the manager would be away for a week and so would the supervisor.

So in 4 weeks time I need to know pretty much everything so I can try carry out the role of the manager for a week :s which is a little daunting but so far so good, I can make all types of coffees and I'm learning my way round this rather large and seemingly complicated building and getting the hang of what needs to be done for functions etc!

I have still kept my other job in a very small hotel further out from the city centre, helping to run the restaurant, do room service and functions (when they occur). I have had some trouble with a girl that works there though, she gets very stressed and angry, and somewhat aggressive very quickly, on occasion I have seriously dreaded going to work there because I know I'll be stuck with her for 2-3 hours, but that's it thankfully, shifts are only 2-3 hours long *whew*

Ricky Gervais on the Bible

2009-06-16T04:34:00.000-07:00

On the Riverside and in The Tree Tops

2009-06-13T22:15:00.000-07:00

I went out today and first of all found this rather scrawny, long necked bird (another type of Darter I think) shivering on the riverbank with his wings outstretched, I love this photo because of how he is looking at me. Then on my way I was really pleased to see a yellow belly bird eating out of the big red flowers on that tree with no leaves, I used the zoom on my camera to get it because he was quite high up, and after that I just enjoyed the vibrant colours of the flowers and the cheerful blue sky in the background :)

Black and White Seaside Bird with hook-like beak, and sea shell close up taken in Fremantle.

2009-06-09T23:50:00.000-07:00

An old man told me the bird was injured which was why I was able to get so close to him, apparently it was the same bird who was hooked by a fishing line the day before. Then he proceeded to say it was about as exciting as things got in Perth haha.

I stumbled upon the fully enclosed sea shell when walking a long a small beachy area.

my photo of a palm tree in the sunset and the city centre in the sunset

2009-06-03T04:54:00.001-07:00

I got super close to a funny bird :)

2009-06-03T04:37:00.000-07:00

pictures I took in an Australian Autumn (the red flower photo looks like summer I know but notice there are barely any leaves just bright red flowers)

2009-06-03T04:27:00.001-07:00

What would Jesus NOT do?

2009-05-12T06:01:00.000-07:00

So, considering a change in the career I will do. . .

2009-05-08T04:11:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I last blogged. I guess I haven't felt the need or desire to, but tonight, with only a few months left before I apply to start university, I've decided doing this would be helpful.

For a fairly long time now, I have wanted to be a midwife, a beautiful career in caring for pregnant women and then caring for postnatal women and their newborns after attending the childbirth. On occasions though for a few months now I have doubted whether or not I really want to do it for certain reasons. There are things I am scared of happening that would make the career overall very sad and hard to cope with. I mean, all women from all types of backgrounds and of different personality types and different views can get pregnant, which means a midwife throughout her career will be dealing with a very large variety of women, which worries me because many of these to-be-families could be completely unhealthy, or these to-be-newborns could be entering into families which are really dysfunctional. It would really break my heart knowing all I can do is take physical care of a mother and her baby but not make impact on the way the baby is to be treated as he or she grows. Not to mention the kind of resentment or hostility I would feel around caring for a woman who is planning on enforcing religion on her child, or towards parents who want to use violence on their children, which might I mention are not far and few between in the world we live in.

In other terms, I want to do something that will really have an impact on someone's life, who wants their life to be impacted, or to change for the better. Does this make any sense? I'm just not sure midwifery would give me that satisfaction. I know midwives do leave a real mark on a woman's life, it is always said that a woman never forgets her midwife, but does it leave a mark in the way that woman will go on to treat her children?

I do bet it's absolutely incredible, attending a birth and seeing the baby for the first time, showing how to breast feed properly, being a source of strength, encouragement and medical help during the pregnancy and the birth.

But I just don't know that it's going to give me the kind of joy I would receive through actually trying to have a direct impact on a family or the way parents treat their children.

The more I think about it, I can't help but think that being some kind of therapist/psychologist specialising in the area of families, pregnancies and relationships or such would be of more joy and fulfillment to me. In other terms, making a positive impact on people who want to be helped, so it's a chain of events, people go on to make better decisions about who they are with and what they do in their lives, and so they go on to have happier families and happier children.

Like midwifery, I'm certain such a career would come with serious ups and downs, perhaps in trying to help someone who has suffered a very traumatic experience it would be immensely challenging, in the same way a midwife may see a still birth and other such tragic events. Maybe the most frustrating or upsetting thing about being a therapist is trying to help someone who is really stuck in an unhealthy habit, like someone who keeps going back to abusive relationships.

That aspect sometimes puts me off the thought of both altogether. But of course, the rewards of joy and happiness that come with each success clearly keep so many going back to these types of careers, as many have told me with regards to midwifery.

I suppose you could call it a case of wanting the challenges and joys that come with being a midwife but also wanting to extend the opportunity of helping people live more happily and more peacefully with themselves.

Recently, I was helping my boyfriend complete his psychology assessment since last year in school I enjoyed psychology very much and gained high results in it. Helping him with that work made me realise quite how much I had missed studying the topic, and how much I looked forward to going to those lessons. I would like to study it at university.

A decision is yet to be made but I certainly am not delaying in making a choice about this since I don't have bundles of time.

My First Panorama Photos!

2009-04-30T06:29:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately you can see the broken parts in the skyline, but otherwise i was quite proud of it. I dont have a tripod which is why the picture was broken a little! Its the view from Kings Park and looks best when you enlarge it.

more photos taken today. . .

Sunset pictures

2009-04-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

Its a shame about the power lines

Meeting My Lover for the First Time

2009-03-04T08:12:00.000-08:00

I have decided I would like to write a post about when I first met my partner. For those of you who do not know, we met on freedomainradio.com while I was living in england, and he was over here in australia!

I left my Sheffield home on a cloudy day in September, September 12th 2008 to be precise, with an unusually large suitcase lol that nearly broke the back of the poor taxi-man trying to lift it into the boot of the car! I made my way to the train station, where I jumped on a train, and said goodbye to the café I had been working in, and headed towards Manchester airport! In a panic on the train I began removing heavy items from my suitcase haha because it was well over 30Kg and if I'm perfectly honest I did this journey with very little money in my pocket. . . Around £90-100 to be exact! So there was no way I'd be able to pay extra for the heavy luggage. When I got to the airport the suitcase was still way too heavy but the lady at the desk must have liked me for some reason because she let me go through with out paying anymore saying "quick, hurry up and bring it through my manager is over there and she has eyes like a hawk!"

I flew from Manchester to London Heathrow, it took one hour going over the beautiful English countryside, sitting next to a businessman reading a newspaper using the plane to commute, I sat in quiet contemplation about the different journeys me and him were taking that day and thinking about how this would be the last time for a long time that I saw the green rolling hills of England where I had lived for 18 years.

I arrived at Heathrow and it was such a maze, I spent about 10-15 minutes on a bus being driven round what was like a mini city inside a city to get to the right departure gate, and then began a five hour wait for my flight to Hong Kong! So I snoozed, and listened to music, and ate food in a restaurant, talked to some people about where they were off to!

Then my flight called out after some delays, and with such excitement I tagged along behind an old couple I had met who knew where they were going to, I was filled with anticipation and excitement. The airport was incredibly large, and as I sat waiting to board the plane outside the sun was setting and the sky was filled with striking reds, oranges and yellows.

The plane was fantastic, Cathay Pacific, I had to wonder if I had accidently been directed to the A class seats and not the standard ones, I had lots of space, a blanket, a small pillow, socks, and a wash bag handed to me, there was a TV and DVD infront of me, ready for a long 12 hour flight ahead I put in my ear phones and fell asleep listening to the wide varety of music on the personal DVD I had and making the most of the wonderful views below me. "Sweet Harmony" by Beloved was a song I became addicted to on that journey.

I fell asleep with all the windows on the plane closed, and woke up with my watch in English time reading 2am, I opened the window on the plane and in sheer confusion was completely blinded by the brilliant sunshine outside realising that clearly wherever I was in the globe high in the skies it certainly wasn't 2am! We were roughly 2 hours or so from Hong Kong!

Landing there was amazing, the mountains surrounding the airport were beautiful and like I had been told the entire place was covered in smog! It was the nicest airport I had been at, my departure gate for the flight to Perth was a long room with glass walls so I could see the view all around and all the planes coming and going. It was -8GMT now, 6:30am, and 8 hours away from Perth! My last stop. . .

I felt groggy and thirsty, and unfortunately the plane this time wasn't as comfortable, and I was sat next to an ill person on the flight! Which really sucked because I was worrying the whole time I'd get ill as well, I ended up sleeping most of the way though, I arrived into Perth at around 10 30pm, it was a long wait for my luggage, and I had to hand in a small information card to the services at the airport before I could pass through to collect my luggage, which had on it the place I would be living, and who I would be living with, and what my reasons for coming were, and what materials I had in my luggage. I went out to where my partner would be waiting, and the whole experience was just so intense. I wish I could do it all over again.

I pushed my luggage on a trolley, and when I saw him I knew it was him immediately, looking so lovely in a nice black shirt, a pair of jeans and some smart shoes, carrying the the most gigantic bundle of colourful flowers anyone had ever presented to me! I smiled and smiled. I went upto him and I'm not sure I even said anything. I just hugged him so tight and it felt so nice! He became a little nervous and asked me if I was hungry or wanted anything to eat, and I said no that I was OK and was happy to head home.

I held his hand for the first time ever, it was lovely, and still is of course :-) Just to finally feel him close to me. We got in a taxi and I snuggled up close to him all the way home, and I gave him a kiss on the lips which he didn't expect! I just felt so immensely happy!

Arriving at my new home was very exciting, we dragged my luggage up a flight of steps to the top apartment floor where we would be living, and he showed me our new home. He had done so much for us, I was so touched, he bought us a lovely queen sized bed, and some things for comfort, like lovely smelling candles, and knowing my favourite colour is pink and one of my favourite things is flowers, he bought a beautiful picture to go on the wall in the living room as well some very comfortable towels and shower gel etc. It was him I couldn't wait to have more of though lol ;-) We took a walk very late at night down to a 24 hour café where I ate a nice vegetarian pizza! I have so many highlighted memories to remember from that first week. . . Our first meal at Fast Eddy's, the chocolate cake he bought me, the small fruit salad and the candles we took down to the river one night, we bought board games, he did a funny impression of a long legged bird we often see by the river lol that made me laugh so hard I think I couldn't breathe! The first hug, kiss, and cuddle, to waking up with him on the bed side staring at me with a lovely smile on his face, such happy eyes! :-)

It was absolute bliss. He took it off work, we went to restaurants, went on long romantic walks along the swan river, he introduced me to all the incredible australian birds like the parrots, cockatoos, pelicans, in sunset and sunrise, we bonded, talked and laughed our way through the days enjoying every minute of each other's company, to finally be together felt so great!

And since then we have been building our lives together :) He started university again, while I am working at 2 jobs to help bring in the money, he still works too, and I plan on going back into education in Perth next year.

I absolutely love living with him, we have our own little world inside this very cosy home and I know there are so many more lovely moments to come in the future!

If I ever had the chance to relive a week of my life it would with out a doubt be that week! From the moment I left my Sheffield home to the moment me and ash were finally together!

Happy Harry the Huntsman. . . .

2009-03-04T04:00:00.000-08:00

When I first came to Australia from England, I was well aware I'd run into some not so nice creatures. This Huntsman certainly took me by surprise when I came home from work the other day, and no lol he was not one of those pretend spider toys he was real! 8-| I thought I had best take a photo because you can't come to Australia and not get memories of all the strange insects and animals you find on your way!

I'm not sure what size he was, but I estimate somewhere between 10 and 12cm!

I have since though been quite thoroughly checking the house for more like this one! The last thing I want is to wake up with one next to my face on the wall :-\

The Facts About Tom, Barbara Weed, The Media, and The Cult Accusations

2009-01-18T00:27:00.001-08:00

THESE REALLY ARE TWO MUST SEE VIDEOS

Witnessing Child Abuse. . . My Walk Down to Swan River That Ended in Tears

2009-01-11T04:00:00.000-08:00

I went down for a walk on The Swan this evening, shortly before the sun was setting. It was lovely as always, hundreds of cockatoos going through the soil with their beaks finding food, parrots in the trees, jellyfish all manner of sizes in water, while I kept a look out for dolphins as the sky turned lilac, pink, orange and a deeper blue.

Feeling relaxed I paced myself along the river wall, trying to shut out the music tent behind me which had a live band singing christian songs as a very small crowd of people sat around waving flags and such.

A pelican was standing tall and upright on my walk back at the side of the river, watching a fisherman catch fish. I have always loved Pelicans because of their huge size and long beaks and big bulging eyes. It made me smile. While he waddled back into the water what made me smile even more was a group of 4 or 5 children came running along the river wall saying "wow! Look at that!" pointing at the Pelican. It was such a lovely moment, there's nothing more enjoyable than seeing children show a love of curiosity and exploration for the world around them. They could have only been 5 or 6 years old.

It was lovely all until a haggled looking woman came over and one child said "Look mum it's a big duck!!" In a snappy and angry tone she shouted "It's a pelican! Now get back over here otherwise I'm gonna slap you!" She pointed back to the group of religious people singing hymns which signaled she had brought the children along to the religious gathering.

Hearing this made me feel sick to my stomach, I felt such sadness for those poor innocent children, with a mother who threatens violence on them for preferring to explore and learn about the beautiful world around them instead of sit and pray and worship a mythical sky ghost and be told about the realms of hell where one may burn forever.

Of course I had to say something, not as planned to what I thought I would say in such situations but at least I said something! "Excuse me. . . " I got her attention as she turned and looked at me, "You don't slap your kids, it's wrong, it's just wrong!"

She seemed a little surprised and a little embarrassed as she mumbled a couple of times "whatever," before turning to walk away.

It was such a painful moment. Knowing those children were stuck with that evil woman and that there was nothing I could do about it. I shook a little as I walked away, thinking about what had just happened, and like any moment where you confront someone on such things, I played over in my mind what I said and what I could have said that would have been more effective.

The saddest part for me is that I don't think any of the 4 or 5 children were around to hear me confront their evil mother. Although I'm not totally sure, if they did, or if any other children and adults around me had heard it then I think that's good but really I wanted to say something so her children might hear me.

The pelican followed me back up the river as I began walking home, and I wished it were the children walking along next to it. Looking at it while I thought about those children made tears well in my eyes, but I'm not sure why, he just looked so docile and innocent that it was almost comforting after the evil I had just seen.

I am proud of myself for speaking out, and I am certain that this will be something I always do from now on when I see such things. It makes me happy to be able to say I was courageous and not fearful. Well, fear was there, but aside my fears I still did what needed to be done. I hope everyone out there like me who is aware of the evils committed against children at the hands of violent parents is able to find the courage to say something every time they are witnesses.

Thanks to Stefan and the Freedomainradio community I now have the courae to stand up for abused children.

"There is a reason it's called courage and that's because it's scary." ~ Stefan Molyneux, podcast: The Holocaust dream- the small horrors that bring on the big ones.

Lied to by Tom Whipple of the Times newspaper. . . What a kick in the stomach!

2009-01-10T09:29:00.000-08:00

Stefan Molyneux puts forward some facts. . .

Some facts about the recent media accusations against Freedomain Radio.

A politician whose son took a break from his family after complaining of significant and violent abuse has been driving media accusations against this site. Here are the facts:

I had a 50 minute conversation with this young man, and never once told him to separate from his family.
This young man was under the care and guidance of a professional therapist before, during and after his decision to take a break.
With the support and guidance of his therapist, he tried to work things out with his family for some time after we talked, but his overtures were rejected.
His therapist completely supported his decision to take a break from his family.
I did not charge this young man a penny for any of my feedback, or books, or podcasts, or anything else.
I did not have any contact with this young man after our brief conversation.

Freedomain Radio was recently featured in several newspaper articles.

The Guardian - click here for the article/response, or here for a reading of the response during a show.

The Globe and Mail - A quoted source for the recent Globe and Mail article about Freedomain Radio is the web site 'Liberating Minds' - Barbara Weed also posts there - click here for some other material from that site (warning: offensive language).

The Times - Tom and I offered to speak with Tom Whipple from The Times, on the explicit condition that the online and print versions contain a link to the entire interview, since being quoted out of context had been such a problem. Unfortunately, after procuring the interview, Mr. Whipple broke his agreement with us, notifying me only minutes before the online version came out that he was not going to honour his commitment. You can hear the complete audio of that interview here

One parent's regret shown in a poem. . .

2009-01-08T21:12:00.000-08:00

As taken from Dr Yehudi Gordon's book 'Birth and Beyond. . .'

If I had my child to raise over again

If I had my child to raise over again
I'd build self-esteem and the house later.
I'd finger paint and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch and watch more with my eyes.
I would care to know less and know to care more.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
I'd see oak trees in the acorn more often.
I'd model less about the love of power, and more about the power of love.

Anon

What I love about this poem is the way it explains you only really get one chance at being a parent, so if you do a bad job with your child, it's not possible to go back in time and do it all again. You have to make it work this time round.

Courage in the Face of Evil

2009-01-05T03:42:00.000-08:00

Have you ever come across a parent publicly abusing his or her child? If so, how did it make you feel?

When it happened to me, shock and horror ran through me, but in a cowardly manner, I experienced too much fear to say anything, or in particular, to state what my thoughts and feelings were to the parent at hand in the moment.

What was I scared of?

Namely, it was that of a social fear, I feared what others would say, if I said to the parent something such as smacking your child is wrong, would they have complained to my manager? (I always seemed to be at work serving customers over tills when these events happened). What if the parent had shouted at me? What if I lost my job through protesting against the evil I had seen but that which so many commit? I feared people's criticisms of my actions, worried they would say such things like "what? You're just a teenager, as if you would know anything about what it's like to be a parent!"

I suppose looking back the worrying thing is that one doesn't fear what one doesn't believe to be true. In other words, fearing someone would cry I shouldn't criticise parents who smack their children because I don't have children probably meant I believed such a thing was true.

Sadly, it was these fears that made a good person crumble in the face of bad people.

That night, after one particular event, I had a horrific dream about the holocaust, in which I went on a school trip that I didn't have to go on, to a holocaust museum, which I might add is something I would simply never even come close to considering doing in reality since I already feel so upset by such an awful time in history. The museum was designed to put people through the process the jews etc would have gone through upon entering the death camps, and I befriended 2 girls who seemed to be having a great time, the dream ended with me being in the house of a nazi family (the family of the 2 girls), in a pitch black room, which a picture on the wall plated with gold like a trophy of the father carrying out some greusome operation on a holocaust victim.

I decided it would be important to have this dream thoroughly examined and so after some attempts of talking it through with a freedomainradio board member, the one who is now my partner, I went to Stefan Molyneux.

We concluded the dream definitely linked back to seeing the child get smacked the day before, the analysis was that it's all the small actions we take in the present which lead to the big things later on. Child abuse led to the holoaust and me not saying anything meant my morality box kicked straight into action showing me why this can be so dangerous.

Walking away a silent witness did nothing positive for the child, and nothing positive for me.

So, when we stand up for the abused child, what exactly do we do it for? Afterall, couldn't the parent just walk away with the child and smack and snarl and shout even more for embarassing the parent in public?

And quite rightly so, this is very true, but on most occasions, one can never really hope to change evil people through a quick moment in supermarket where you speak out against the evils they have committed. When one stands up for the abused child, it is for the benefit of the child in a way that may be hard to understand with out some explaining.

When a parent abuses a child in the public eye, if everyone around her does nothing but stand and stare, then what choice does she have but to believe that she must really have done something evil to deserve such pain and misery? How do you think she feels if she fully understands she has done nothing to deserve such things but absolutely no one in her surroundings utters even a word of protest against what happened to her? Surely, she would feel deep despair, loneliness and fear.

However, when someone shows enough courage to say something, the child understands that good people have the capacity to not prevail under bad people, she understands that what her parent did was wrong, and no while you can't take her away or anything of the sort, at best when she is older she may show the same courage, and take the steps necessary to escape the evil relationships she was forced into.

We do it so the child knows she is innocent and the parent is corrupt.

A good friend of mine the other day found himself in a terribly upsetting situation, in which he witnessed the mother of 4 or 5 children pull one over to her by the arm and gave this child a sharp slap across the face. He says before he really knew it was happening, he was already protesting against her actions, and quite rightly so, too.

My boyfriend also found himself in a similar situation not long back, whereby a small boy in a trolly at a shopping centre had been left by himself, and was flying at full speed towards a glass pane in a window shop down a slope, thankfully Ash caught this trolly in time, only to find the guardian of this small boy came over wagging his finger at him telling him not to run off like that, this small boy was of course mortified seeing as he could have just died. Ash could not help but speak up for this pale faced young lad who was clearly in a lot of shock.

I find it truly admirable when people stand up for those innocents who are being abused and cannot voice for themselves the wrongs in which their parents are committing against them.

While I do hope to never see myself in a situation again where I am witnessing child abuse, as I'm sure all small children do too, I will feel immense pride and joy in my actions when I speak out against what I have seen.

If or when it happens, I plan on saying what my emotions are in that moment, seeing as no parent can really argue back when saying such a thing. For example, I can say "I feel horrified by seeing you do something so evil to your child," to which no parent can respond anything along the lines of "How dare you tell me what I can or cannot do with my OWN child!" etc

I hope this has been helpful for some :)

bye for now!

My Experience of Talking With Stefan Molyneux

2008-12-31T04:23:00.000-08:00

I was introduced to the idea of voluntary familial relationships a while back, through my boyfriend at the time. It seemed like a strange idea to me at the the time as I had always been told that familial relationships were forced and there was nothing that could be done about it, i.e. if the relationship was bad or negative, tough sh*t so to speak! That was what you had and that was how it would stay.

When I found out this was total nonsense, and that no, one does not have to value a relationship simply because 2 people share the same genes, I wanted to look more at the relationship between me and my parents.

I was introduced to the work of Stefan Molyneux, who talked a fair bit about rationality and bringing it to relationships, and books such as On Truth and Real-Time-Relationships, were really ground breaking. I would recommend them to anyone!!

So, after a while of looking at his work, debating it with people, I decided this man could probably help me, too. I did a podcast with him.

As it turns out, absolutely no where in my podcast with Stef did he ever demand I must leave my family otherwise I'll be banned from the freedomainradio boards and community. In actual fact, he didn't even bring it up, I was the one who brought it up, and even when I did bring it up he told me not to worry about it but to just focus on my feelings.

My podcast is somewhere in the 900s, Volume 4, and I think is called Youth, History and The Future, if you would like to listen for yourself.

It is walking and living proof (so to speak) that Stef far from tells anyone they must leave their family.

If these people doing the interviews, and Barbara Weed, and such the like, had even an ounce of virtue they would not be slandering a website which states that all relationships are voluntary and not compulsory.

Excellent Response from Stefan Molyneux to an Interviewer

2008-12-31T03:49:00.000-08:00

I thought it worthwhile to post here a response that Stefan Molyneux, the philosopher hosting Freedomainradio.com, sent to an interviewer of a radio show that he refused to talk to. The show as I am told was going to be with Barbara Weed, the mother of Tom who believes that Freedomainradio is a cult, in which Stefan Molyneux is the leader, or dictator, and that Stefan Molyneux manipulated her adult son into leaving the family and not going back, all as some twisted plot to make money and supposedly (according to her) to act out his anger towards his own parents. Though it sounds like a pile of nonsense I'm aware, it is actually true that this is what she believes!

The reality is of course not what this woman has put forth, there was abuse in this young man's family, he was clearly very unhappy in the relationships with his parents, and wanted time away, with the possiblity of not returning, Stefan Molyneux of course never demanded that Tom left his family.

Here is his response:

Thank you for your e-mail, but I am not going to participate in any show with Mrs. Weed. I consider it reprehensible that she is openly broadcasting her son's identity as widely as possible, and that she is blaming some podcaster on another continent for the very sad problems within her family, rather than the significant and terrifying abuse that her son suffered for 18 years at the hands of his parents. As I am sure you have heard in the podcast in question, Tom sobs openly about the terror he experienced in the face of his father's rages, when the enormous man would kick and smash in windows, hurl objects and destroy entire rooms with horrifying rapidity. Mrs. Weed did not protect her helpless and dependent child during these extended and highly dangerous explosions.

Of course, Mrs. Weed dismisses and minimizes the brutality of this continual violence, which is the true source of this continuing tragedy -- the reality, though, is that Tom would have no incentive to invent such an awful tale, and no ability to spontaneously erupt into such painful emotions after asking for my help.

I fully stand by my philosophical and moral positions, which is that child abuse is immoral, and adult relations are voluntary. If child abuse is not immoral, then there is no such thing as immorality -- and if adult relations are not voluntary, then we should ban divorce, and force even those wives suffering from violent abuse to remain with their husbands until the end of their days.

It is also important to remember that out of the 35,000-50,000 Freedomain Radio listeners, only about 20 have taken breaks from abusive families, which is far below the statistical average for child abuse. I do not tell listeners to leave even highly abusive families, but rather strongly encourage them to seek out professional psychological help to deal with these tragic issues.

There are a number of parents and adult children who listen to the show together, which I think is wonderful. Many families, friends and couples have also used the philosophical resources of Freedomain Radio to help build better and closer relationships, which I am very pleased about.

Finally, I am very pro-family myself - my wonderful wife and I just welcomed our first child into the world. I am fully aware that I will need to continue to win and maintain the love of my daughter by keeping her safe, happy and secure.

Regards,

Stefan Molyneux, MA

Host, Freedomain Radio

www.freedomainradio.com

2008-12-26T08:59:00.001-08:00

Yellow is my love for you
As a Summer's day,
Peaceful and warm

Pink is my heart for you
As the morning clouds with sunlight,
Bright and soft

Green is my desire for you
As the seeds for the earth,
Growing and rich with life

Red is my lust for you
As the petal from the rose,
Striking and vibrant

Silver is my soul for you
As the moon in the night sky,
Beautiful and whole

By me X :)

Ahh. . . The sweet liberation of being honest!

2008-12-24T03:12:00.000-08:00

Loving someone in many ways can be similar to loving a particular hobby:- you prefer it to other hobbies, you spend more time doing that particular thing over other activities, you dedicate much time to improving your ability at it, and of course learning lots about it since it interests you. So, I can hardly make the claim I love abseiling if I never go abseiling, or don't have anything to do with the hobby, in the same way you can hardly claim to love your partner if you have no preference to spend time with them over others, no interest in learning about their true selves (i.e. their deepest thoughts and emotions) and no interest in spending time improving the condition and happiness of the relationship and your partner's happiness, or your skills and offerings in it.

But this is why telling the truth is vital in setting you free if you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about your true emotions and thoughts.

My inspiration to try saying what my thoughts and feelings are in the moment they arise came from reading a book by Stefan Molyneux called Real Time Relationships (which I strongly suggest everyone reads!).It basically means saying what you are thinking and feeling in the moment, i.e. someone says something to you that makes you feel happy/sad/angry and you say "that triggered sadness, anger," etc.

In my personal experience saying what my thoughts and feelings are in the moment is a truly exhilarating experience, which I'm not sure can be understood until tried. I desperately want to share this experience with many other people though, in order that it brings the same joy and happiness to the lives of others as it has done for me!

I will see if I can describe it for you :) Given that I do have experience in both keeping my thoughts and feelings all wrapped up and hidden inside, and in letting them out freely.

Sometimes, before I'm about to share something with my partner that I'm scared to talk about, I can feel an immense anxiety, thoughts race through my mind like "what if it upsets him? what if it's somehow worse for the relationship than it is otherwise?" etc etc, but I just know I have to tell the truth, especially given that the guilt of lying would chase me a great deal. So, then I may stutter through some sentence, which can sometimes be vague as I work my way through the tangled tree roots of my deepest self, trying to explain what's been going on for me inside, but as soon as it's out, and me and my partner have talked about it all, wow o wow do I feel so much better or what?

The problem gets worked through positively (which does require patience given that on occasion we seem to have spent hours exploring the same thing), I feel cared for, loved and safe, and joyful, not to mention deeply connected and close to my partner. It's a feeling I wouldn't swap for the world, nor any feeling I would ever consider going back in time for and not saying whatever it was that was causing me so much anxiety in the first place!

Don't get me wrong, sometimes in the short term being honest will cause you sadness and pain. Particularly so if you are in a negative relationship, for example, I remember once telling my father how I felt when he yelled at me, only it was met with something along the lines of "don't do that psychologising crap on me!" But in the long run it is always helpful, if you are in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about You in regards to who you really are, you really need to know! Really really need to know! No one in their right minds would ever feel genuinely happy being with someone who doesn't care about their emotional experiences of the people and the environment around them, which makes up so much of who we are!

Being honest makes you happy, it's quite a simple fact. Perhaps in the short term it causes a great deal of anxiety, but in the long run just about everyone benefits from the truth, good relationships will get better, negative ones with the potential of getting better will do so, and outright negative ones will disappear.

Bye for now :)

Questions Your Partner May Appreciate Being Asked. . .

2008-12-23T02:34:00.000-08:00

A comparison to the way relationships work could be that of a private business or service, such as private hospitals. In a private business, customers experience what the service is like, whether they got what they needed, whether they felt satisfied after going there etc. And in order to find out how well the business is doing, surveys and such are handed out after the customer has been there, in order to check whether or not anything needs improving or changing, and what the general service was like altogether, private businesses need to make sure they are offering a high quality service (or product) in order to keep customers coming back. Otherwise, the business faces great competition, risks losing money and becoming unsuccessful.

Relationships of any kind really need to be considered in the same light as that of how a private business runs. A partner who is happy with who you are and what the relationship offers to him or her is most likely a partner that is going to want to stay with you as opposed to being alone or being with someone else. Hence the importance of ensuring your partner's happiness with in the relationship you have, all a part of loving the person you're with is checking what makes him/her happy, how s/he feels about you and the relationship, whether anything needs improving or changing etc.

Choice creates quality, understanding your partner has the choice to leave you if s/he is unhappy (in the same way would stop using a bad business) can be a powerful motivator in making sure there is no other life your partner would prefer to have over being with you.

Here are some helpful questions you may want to ask your romantic partner on a regular basis, and similar questions can of course be asked to children (which I would strongly suggest given that your children did not even choose to have a relationship with you in the first place).

If there are things you would like to change about the relationship what are they?

If there are things you would like to change about me what are they?

If there are things you would like to be different about you what are they?

What things would you like to keep the same about the relationship?

What are the qualities in me you like best?

What are the qualities in you that you like best?

What are your thoughts and feelings on the amount of honesty and openness in the relationship?

Overall, do you think you have been happier since being in the relationship or less happy since being in the relationship?

Is there anything we can help each other with more or anything I can help you with more?

Has the relationship so far been helpful in your self-growth?

If it has not been helpful in what way do you believe it has held you back i.e. have aspects of your personality stayed the same due to something occurring in the relationship which you would like to be different?

If it has been helpful in what way has it been so?

In what ways, if any, do you think the relationship has grown or changed since we first met?

What are the qualities in me that you dislike?

In regards to this relationship and life in general where would you like to be in 5 years or so?

Do you have any worries about the relationship in the present or for the future and if so what are they?

I hope someone out there finds this useful :)

bye for now

Freedomain Radio and Liberating Minds

2008-12-15T01:21:00.000-08:00

Liberating Minds is hate site, a site created by a man named Koen Swinkels who despises freedomain radio and stefan molyneux, and all the members of the site with an absolute passion.

Originally he was a member of Freedomain Radio, which is a philosophy show looking at a wide range of topics such as ethics (universally preferable behavior), relationships (real-time-relationships), the non-aggression principle, child abuse, religion, atheism, free market societies (Practical Anarchy) and state violence.

But unforturnately, due to unacceptable behavior he was banned from the site, I think this was around a year and a half a go, and since then he has dedicated a lot of time and energy towards trying to bring down Freedomain Radio, but of course failing in every way shape and form because every irrational and outright rude attack just makes us stronger as a community.

For example, the recent media attacks on a fellow friend of ours in the community were helped greatly by the liberating minds forum, who all claim FDR is a cult, stef is the almighty leader, that everyone here is brain washed!! etc etc etc And what stef pointed out this morning on a conference call with Tom, was just how bonkers it is what these guys have done. . . They are supposedly free market anarchists, who have helped an English Councillor of the Labour Party (Tom's mother, Barbara Weed), make public attacks on her son, over a voluntary decision to leave his family!!!! And these people are meant to be all about voluntarism!

Oh the madness!

It's such an illogical thing to do I can't beleive anyone would fall for it.

And this whole Molyneux Cult Watch rubbish that's going on! Where clearly bored and nasty, vicious people have spent long hours making horrible pictures of stefan molyneux and 2 other FDR members, which all it really says to me is "we are immature idiots who can't even think of a single rational reason as to why we hate the freedomain radio community, but we are experts in bullying innocent people!"

This really does nothing but reinforce my strength and confidence around my actions and involvement with the FDR community.

Another thing I can't understand is why supposedly free market anarchists would use the media for the purpose of degrading Stef, FDR and of course a young man who decided to leave his family, when they could have used it to help the libertarian cause!

Well, I guess all it can really mean is that they aren't really very dedicated anarchists, considering how much they despise a man who reminds people all relationships are voluntary, and use the media to degrade and downbeat an anarchist community.

LiMi is basically composed of people who were banned from FDR, like any community where some members are not welcome due to inappropriate behavior, and parents whose adult children have decided to cut contact with them.

Those were just some words I had to say on the whole issue for now anyway!