Parents "Do their best." Really?

One thing I often hear from people who side with abusive parents and not the victimised child is that all parents are just "Doing their best." I want to explain why this is not so!

Usually, the parents that these sorts of people are defending are the ones who spank their children, scream at them, ignore them and many other forms of abuses.

Why is it that everyone has sympathy for the parents, and not the distressed, internally isolated, enraged and very sad child? I think the short answer to that is that we are split off from our pain. Many people will even laugh as they recall childhood beatings and other abuses. But parents are never short of complaining about the hardships of being a parent and receiving sympathy for this, it is entirely convenient for parents if they can force their child to remove from his awareness all the pain they have caused him. Common things you might hear are "You kids are such hard work!" "I'm just at the end of my tether!" or "I'm just so tired after looking after you lot all the time!"

All of these things and I'm sure the list is endless are geared toward making the child feel sympathy for the parent, and guilt even about his own existence, so much so that eventually we begin to parrot our parents self-pitying lies. You may have found yourself saying "I drove my mother to insanity, that's why she hit me." Or "I deserved my punishment that time." In fact, your parents have probably done such a good job of making you forget completely about your misery, making you sympathise with their chosen hardships of parenting and making you feel guilty for the mere fact that you were a child with hundreds of needs that must be met, that you even feel sorry for them when you think of how you supposedly 'drove,' them to beating you.

"My poor mother, she was only ever doing her best, she must have been really stressed and pushed to the limits when she screamed at me."

I think fundamentally these sorts of statements are people just lying to themselves. We are so desperate for parental love and affection, a need that was not met as a child so it carries over into adulthood, that even in our memories of parents acting like complete brutes, we desire so strongly to still see them as loving and caring and try to convince ourselves such is the case contrary to all the evidence at the time. I don't believe that parents who resort to any kind of violence or aggression, be it verbal, physical or emotional or just plain ignoring the child and withdrawal of all affection, are really doing their best job at parenting.

In reality, this sort of 'parenting,' if this behavior can even be called parenting, is an extremely lazy form of parenting, it involves no hard work at all. It really takes no effort whatsoever for a parent to just slap a child across the face, on the hand, on the butt or any other body part, this child after all is tiny and has absolutely no chance of self defense, no chance to complain, no one to go to for safety, he can't sue his parents for physical abuse, there are absolutely no repercussions whatsoever for a parent when they physically abuse a child (which is what makes this abuse such a sick and cowardly act).

Similarly, it takes no effort for a parent to scream at a child until he is frightened out of his skin, sitting, shaking and in tears. The marks of this abuse are purely internal, the bruising and the pain left from this sort of abuse are invisible to the rest of the world, so it is a terribly isolating form of abuse, further, he is left unable to verbalise to anyone what it is he is really going through, even as adults, victims of this sort of abuse still struggle to communicate to others quite how terrifying it is. No one is really doing their best job at parenting when they resort to screaming and shouting.

The same happens when a parent decides to withdraw all affection, one thing you might have been a victim of is a parent saying "right, that's it, I'm not talking to you anymore!" Or maybe a parent who actually decides to stop any form of communication with you for days. This is an absolutely horrific form of abuse for any child, if there is one thing that children really thirst for and thrive from it is connection to their care givers. Children long to be and have every right to be connected all of the time to a stable, unconditionally loving and nurturing care giver. When a parent commits this crime they must surely realise the horror they are forcing their child to endure. It is an evil act because children are absolutely dependent on parents in a way no other relationship that exists could possibly compare to.

All of these things and many more are lazy parenting examples to the highest degree because they really involve no effort, no prior thought or hard work. They are just quick handed ways to get a child to comply with what the parent desires, these actions are done with absolutely no consideration to the child's' needs, they are purely about what the parent desires in the moment. And some might say "But parents hit children because they think it will help them!" I have come to realise that such parents have come to very much a false conclusion about what their child needs, no one in their right minds thinks that any human being, particularly a child, needs to be violated against because it is good for them.

So what does constitute a parent who is trying their hardest? Well, a parent who spends massive amounts of time before even having children learning about conflict resolution, child rearing with out violence or aggression, child rearing with out punishments, and above and beyond all that, the individual must be connected to themselves, they must have explored all of the areas in which they were harmed as children so they have full empathy for what it is like to be a child and covered all the potential areas in which they may re-inflict abuse because of past trauma. When a person becomes a parent, they don't resort to quick ways of getting the child to comply with their orders and desires, instead they spend massive amounts of time connecting with their child, they always have the child's needs in mind and if the child displays sadness and rage, they spend time with their child finding out what the matter is and how it can be resolved, even if it involves a re-evaluation of their parenting methods.

The above is just a short list of the many things a person can do to ensure parenting of the highest standard. For a more comprehensive list I suggest doing as many of the following things possible (taken from Mackler's website- www.iraresoul.com)

The Baby's Manifesto- what a child really needs
The Baby's Manifesto by Daniel Mackler

A License to Procreate is another excellent source of ideas for many of the things people can do in preparation for a child
A License to Procreate

If the standards sound ridiculously high to you and even trigger some anxiety in you, well that's great, you're getting the picture that it's entirely inappropriate for you to have a child if you have not done these things or at least not the majority of these things, and if you do have a child already, you are hopefully realising that you really are not doing your best when you are aggressive towards your offspring in anyway, and you need to raise your standard much higher.

Remember also, that you cannot defend abusive parenting by claiming you did not know any better, or that your parents did not know any better. As a parent abuses a child, and sees in his eyes the terror, rage, sadness and sheer isolation, this is the first sign that you are doing something totally immoral, if you fail to act on the reality of how you are making your child feel and the damage you are causing them, and the pain you are causing them is visible to you (which it undoubtedly is) there is no excuse for you. If only you seek to find better ways you surely will, because they do exist. No one else is responsible for your lack of knowledge but yourself.